ZM: Hrrrr... He-hellooo...
Me: As most of you might imagine with zombies, ZM has a bit of a difficulty speaking, so bear with her! She's trying! Now ZM, I understand that the only reason that you're not eating my brain right now is because you just ate, am I right?
ZM: Y- yesss.... Just ate Mi-michael Mmoore's brraainnzz....
Me: Ew. And how was that?
ZM: Hi-high fat content. But oth-otherwise, juicy... because it - it was barely used...
Me: And I understand that you favor the brains of liberals because of that, right?
ZM: Y-yess... Lib-liberalzz don't use - brainzz much.... And... liberalz brainzz...easier to get to...
Me: Why is that?
ZM: B-because they're so open-minded... their brainzz fall ouuut....
Me: (rimshot sound) So let me ask, how did I end up like you? Because of my super strength and healing, I'm very hard to injure, much less kill, so what finally did me in?
ZM: Hrrr...
Me: Or is this one of those things that I shouldn't know, because it would affect my future?
ZM: Future... already affected... by meeting meee nowww.....
Me: Ah, good point - and a moot point too, I suppose...
(Note: To speed things up, I have consolidated her next few responses as well as eliminated her "hrrrs" and long pauses, as well as eliminated my constant prodding for her to continue)
ZM: It was December 2012, and the country was celebrating the recent election of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. The liberals went insane, and many fled to Canada and Mexico. Others were so outraged that they managed to shut down YouTube several times with their endless video postings of their rants. To discuss the election results, Elizabeth Hasselbeck invited me to be her guest on The View. Also invited by the other hostesses were Janeane Garafalo, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and many others. Hasselbeck was allowed to invite only one guest while the other hostesses were allowed to invite as many as they wanted, so me and Hasselbeck smelled a set-up, and we were right. We were only a couple of minutes into the show before all the exits were suddenly sealed shut with thick metal plates and then we were mobbed. I punched a hole in the wall for Hasselbeck to escape, and then I stood my ground as long as I could before I was taken down. As it turns out, some of these well known liberals are superhuman, which is how they killed me. John Kerry, who has the ability to turn people into zombies, felt that it would add insult to injury to zombify me, so he did. It never occurred to him or any of the others of what a superhuman zombie could do, and I ate the brains of most of them before they could escape. The zombie apocalypse started from there, and has spread since then.
(We are now resuming her normal speech patterns)
Me: Wow. So in the process of retaliation for the 2012 election results, the liberals all got together and ended up making things worse. Sounds like the usual MO for them!
ZM: Hrrr... hehe....
Me: So if I'm invited to The View next December, I should decline, and then tell Elizabeth Hasselbeck to call in sick that day.
ZM: Y- yesss....
Me: Well, thank you for coming, Zombie Me. I need you to stick around for the rest of this month during my Zombie Apocalypse promotion, so let me think of where you could go. Hmm...
ZM: Hrrr... brainzzz....
Me: Yes, I imagine you must be hungry now after all that talking you did. Well, we can't exactly have you start another zombie apocalypse here in your past, and certainly not before Sarah Palin gets elected! Tell you what: I'll snap a pic of you to post in my blog, and then send you back to the future. (snaps pic)
ZM: Brainzz....
Me: Yes, dear. I'm working on it. Ah! Here we go! I'll plop you right into a meeting of the National Democratic Convention! Lots of unused liberal brains there!
ZM: Hmmm... Yummm.....
Me: Yeah, I thought you might like that. I would wish you well, but how well can a zombie's existence be? I guess I wish you - lots of brains to eat! See ya! (zaps ZM back to the future).
Well, there you have it, folks - a glimpse of the future that might come to pass! And at least now I know not to accept an invitation to The View!
And a great thanks to Rocio Zucchi for that most excellent artwork of undead me! I thank her for being able to draw her while ignoring the smell of undead flesh! I don't know how you did it without gagging, Rocio! Here's her deviantArt site to check out the rest of her stuff!
I hope I get a lot of you guys to join in on the fun this month! :-)
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