Now if *I* ran an Occupy rally....

Regular readers to my blog and my FB page know that I'm conservative, and they know that I think the vast majority of the members of the Occupy rallies are a bunch of lazy, overprivileged bums looking for an excuse to drop out of their otherwise overindulged lives and look like they're doing something good for a change.  It just bugs me that they're doing it all wrong.  You might be asking: How would a conservative know how to protest in the right way?

Well, kiddies, I happened to be trained by a couple of pros who put the "pro" in protesting: My own Marxist parents!  Yeah, they knew the fine art of protesting, and could run circles around this bunch of coddled trust fund babies.  While I opposed most of what my parents believed in, it doesn't mean that I can't appreciate the methods that they used in protesting.  I know what to do well enough that I could lead an Occupy rally if I wanted to.  So, here's what I'd do:

First, I will LEAD the rally - none of this "leaderless" bullshit.  I make the rules, and if you don't like it, form your own rally of a bunch of clueless boneheads that would asphyxiate themselves trying to punch their way out of paper bags. 

Second.  No electronic devices of any kind will be used in my protest.  If I see a cellphone being used, I will crush it with my super strength fist.  If I see an iPad being used, then I will break it in half over my super strength knee.  If I see a laptop being used, then I'll stomp on it with my super strength foot.  If I see any other handheld entertainment devices like music players, or gaming toys, then I'll throw it - literally! - into the next county with my super strength arm.  You will be focused on the task of protesting and nothing else.  I MIGHT tolerate radios and boomboxes, so long as they aren't played loud.  Break this rule and my fist will go through that boombox.

Third, there will be no law-breaking.  No vandalizing, no spitting at police or other similar thuggery.  You break the law, and I will drag you MYSELF to the police station.  You will grasp the concept of a peaceful protest, or you will find your ass in jail faster than you can say nanosecond.  I will enforce the safety and security of our protest myself, and I am a mean and vicious bitch to those who cause trouble. Mess with me and the only thing you'll be Occupy-ing is a jail cell.  Don't doubt me on this.

Fourth, there will be a time to arrive, a time to depart.  There will be no overnight camping to cause the police any more work than they are already doing.  This is also for the safety of our protesters.

Fifth, the only sort of entertainment will be poetry readings other creative written works, or the musical instruments that you bring.  Learn to create writings or songs for the group that describe our cause and our goals. This will also teach how to have face to face discussions and encourage interpersonal dialogue - very important if you're going to be stumping for a cause.

Sixth, there will be no blocking of businesses, especially independent businesses (that is, non-franchise businesses).  Most likely, that one place is their lifeblood, and not only will we not hinder the regular day to day business that they do, we will even patronize them if we can and if they are down with our cause.  This is especially the case if they are a restaurant.  If we use their bathrooms, then we will buy our food there. 

Seventh, you will know the reason for our protest by heart, and you will be able to explain it to anyone who asks.  That's how we create sympathy for our cause.  Send any difficult people to me, especially if they happen to be a member of the media.

Eighth, any signage must be approved by me.  If you bring anything vulgar or repulsive, then I will make you tear up that sign into small pieces and literally eat it.  By eating it, you will learn not to bring vulgar or repulsive signs next time.  And you will learn my standards of what I consider vulgar or repulsive.  

If we do nothing wrong and/or illegal and the police still come to arrest us, then you will learn the art of passive resistance.  Do not create an excuse for the police to take you down.  If all goes well, then bad police behavior will be captured by the press, and that will end up aiding our cause.

It sounds like I have a list of "Don'ts", but what this will do is help unify the protest group by eliminating a lot of the distractions.  In the process, it will make our message that much stronger.  I want this group to get to the point that you will be encouraged to bring your children because of the positive example that this will set.  

Mainly, the protesters will understand that there is a difference between a peaceful protest and the destructive violence of a rabble.  What you see in these Occupy protests are done by amateurs who think that their forms of "protests" allow them to set their own rules in their own little communities all while sponging off the greater community at large.  No, this is not a protest group but a bunch of lazy, spoiled brats looking for excuses to continue their lives of no self-restraint or self-control. 

So in summary, what my protest will encourage is "comm-unity", which is in contrast to the rabble of Occupy rallies, who are a bunch of individuals all shouting in order to be heard over the others, which results in none of them being heard. 

I hope you can see the difference now that I've explained it, and I also hope you can see why my method is much more effective and efficient in getting word out on the cause.  This will easily lead to others jumping on board for the cause.  See?  My parents taught me well in this respect!