Monday, August 8, 2011

Paper or plastic? The solution to the great environmental debate of grocery bags

Many moons ago, grocers gave you paper bags to cart your groceries home.  For decades, that's how things were done.  Then some whacko environmentalists decided that paper bags were bad for the environment because they have to cut trees down to make them, and cutting trees down is bad for the environment because then there are less trees to absorb carbon dioxide, which then builds up in the atmosphere, which then helps to widen the hole in the ozone layer, which then makes things hotter for us down here on earth.  And before you know it, we'll have hell literally on earth!

So plastic bags were invented, and they were as convenient as a Swiss Army Knife!  Probably the most recycled item on the planet is the plastic grocery sack!  I bet you can think of the many ways you used those sacks just off of the top of your head.  However - uh oh! - they're bad for the environment as well!  So bad, that some cities are attempting to ban them!  They're bad because they are mostly non-biodegradable, which is bad for the environment, because they sit in our landfills almost forever, which makes that land such that trees won't grow on it, which is bad because then there are fewer trees to absorb carbon dioxide, which then...  well, you know the drill by now...

Well then, pardner, it would seem that paper bags are the solution after all, because paper bags are biodegradable!  Oh, wait!  No!  Bad idea!  Trees have to be cut down to make them, and we went through all that in the first paragraph!  Weren't you listening??

One solution to this dilemma had been a "third way" in the form of the reusable cloth bags, but there has been the problem that they can accumulate bacteria, because they are used to carry food, and the food bacteria can build up after many uses.  Plus, many of the cloth bags are made in China, and as we all found out, China puts lead in everything from cloth grocery bags to dog food, because it cuts down on the cost of manufacturing them.  Well, they gotta get rid of all that lead somehow, and if they can make some money off of it in the process selling them to us gullible Americans, then all the better!  Pretty sneaky of those Communists to be thinking like capitalists!

Okay, I have a solution for all this.  It's so simple that you'll kick yourself for not thinking of it first!
My solution is this: Require that all fashion designers everywhere to design our pants and skirts to have HUGE cargo pockets!  In fact, just have a row of cargo pockets to wrap around the whole waistline of the pants and skirts!   It will be like Batman's utility belt, except the pockets will be designed as part of the pants and skirt! You can have the smaller pockets on the front so that you can still sit down, and the larger ones - for 1 gallon milk jugs or 2 liter sodas - on the sides and back. 

The pockets can be designed to have insulated interiors to insulate you from the hot and cold grocery items, and also so that you can wipe them down aftewards to reduce bacteria build-up.  To help with all the weight of these groceries, designers might try to bring suspenders back into fashion.

Yeah, it may look a little silly walking around with very loaded pockets, but I have a solution for that as well: Get some celebrities to do this first.  If you get Justin Bieber to wear such pocket-laden pants, then you'll already have tween girls screaming for such pants.  And if you get Kim Kardashian to wear those, then damn, you'll have the dudes scrambling to buy them as well, because then they'll think that they'll be babe magnets!  And with the tween and young dude market setting the trend, the rest of us will follow. 

Being a evil, nasty, free-market capitalist, I would try to get a cut of the potential profit into this idea of mine, but I am so concerned for the environment that I'm offering my idea to the fashion designers for free, which is why I am posting it to my blog where it can be read.  The resultant cleaner environment will be thanks enough, and as a superhero, I tend to do a lot of my helpful work for free anyway. 

One last note:  Can I encourage some of you artists to create some pro bono examples of these fashions?  You can use Justin and Kim as your models.  I ask pro bono, because we are doing this for the greater good.  Think of the environment, you guys!

Ah, I feel good!  :-)

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