Friday, October 8, 2010

First round! HCM vs DPAF!

Okay, it's time for the first fight for the eventual "Who Would Win?" Halloween Showdown!

In this corner, from some undoubtedly dysfunctional family comes... The Homicidal Chainsaw Maniac! Let's just call him HCM for short, even though he is very tall.

Strengths: Very strong, very large size, high tolerance for pain. And lest we forget, he comes bearing a big ol' freakin' chainsaw! His big size is intimidating enough, but add to that the noisy chainsaw and you got one giant, scary dude!

Weaknesses: Slow, lumbering speed. Limited vocal skills - not that he needs them for hacking people to death! Slow thought processes. If his chainsaw is somehow taken from him, then he is less of a threat. Not MUCH less, but it would be easier to stop him if he isn't waving a chainsaw in your face!

And in this corner, from the darkest pits of hell comes ...the Demon-Possessed Action Figure! We'll call him DPAF for short, and he happens to be short to boot! Just don't call him a doll! He is an action figure! There is a difference!

Strengths: Very intelligent and cunning. Due to his small size, he is excellent at hiding in dark corners until his victim is within range. Total immunity to pain, due to the fact that he inhabits a doll's body. Is able to hop to another doll body if the current body is destroyed.

Weaknesses: Due to small size, he is able to be swatted away or thrown if caught in time. And because of his obsessive/compulsive dedication to killing, it makes him predictable in what he plans to do next - not that it makes it much easier to stop him. Also is stuck in the doll body until it is destroyed.

So who would win in this battle of horror movie monsters? Here's my take: Ol' HCM would certainly have his hands full with a small little guy coming at him from all directions (plus he makes a very small target for his big honkin' chainsaw), but DPAF would have a harder time than usual to take down HCM because he can take a lot of pain.

Even if HCM managed to hack DPAF into pieces, the demonic essence can simply hop to another doll and his carnage continues. In theory, DPAF can just keep body-hopping until he wears HCM down. Despite HCM's limited intelligence, however, I think even he would figure out that DPAF is trapped in the doll body until it is destroyed, so he would have to use his brain for once.

My guess is that HCM would use his great strength to hurl DPAF against a wall to stun him long enough to stick him in a box, then he could either bury the box or have it entombed in cement, thus ending this battle. HCM would still probably need to take a lot of time to heal from the multiple stab wounds he got from DPAF, but he would live to hack unsuspecting teens another day.


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